Fuck You Diet Food

Jocelyn: Sweet merciful crap - CHRIS’S UGLY GREEN BEAN SNACK

Chloe: No.

Catherine: “the ones that are still a little green are kind of chewy like fruit leather”…all of the gags, I just gagged them all.

Jocelyn: This recipe contains the following description: “It’s difficult to describe the flavor, but maybe something like a green bean flavored raisin.” I would be barfing if my brain hadn’t collapsed in on itself like a dying star.

Ann: This looks like the poor, unfortunate souls that Ursula turns things into in The Little Mermaid. Also looks like turtle dick.

Jocelyn: It’s revealed in a deleted scene that Ursula just turns merpeople into turtle dicks (very confusing for young children).

Ava: Looks like an illustration cover of Gross-out kids books. You know, the ones where the main character who’s stubborn discovers that this dish of sick looking veggies are actually nutritious and delicious. Except this is a twist ending where her brother replaces her string beans with a lush pile of stale, stank fish shits. #ItHappenedToAllOfUsRight? #JustMe

Alexandra: A brain infection is what this looks like. I hope nobody’s brain looks like this, but probably there are some. That’s just life.

Alicia: Looks like a pile of worms that got stuck on the sidewalk after a rainstorm. The sun came out and the little worms couldn’t make it back to the underground and their little worm bodies dried up, all shrivelly and gross. And then someone went along and picked up all the worm carcasses, put them on a plate and called them a snack.

Summary: This one dish can easily be described as turtle dicks, a brain infection, fish shits and dried up worms. Is this really something you want to put in your body? Ever?

Jocelyn: Just when you thought the Oopsie Roll was the most terrifying bun you’d ever seen:
2 Carb Hamburger Bun

Catherine:

Ways to Teach Your Children About the Dangers of Wild Mushrooms:

- Do not allow your child to pick mushrooms
- Do not feed your children farm-grown mushrooms without explaining that they are not the same as wild mushrooms
- Show your child the photo above and then scream “NOOOOOOOOO” as loud as you can

Jocelyn: Is the goal of this recipe to create a diet food so disgusting that you will lose your appetite completely? Cause if so, this nails it.

Chloe: I’m going to re-brand this as one of those science projects you do for the sixth grade science fair.

Watch out clock potato, me and my microwave “bread” are coming for you….You too “Which Colours Make You Feel Which Emotions.” For the last time purple can’t make anyone feel GAY!

Catherine: I’d like to point out that when I see this picture I feel VERY GAY

Ann: “I didn’t care for these much at all. I don’t miss bread and would rather eat my hamburger bunless than with one of these.”

So the person who wrote this fully acknowledges that this is basically what the inside of a used maxi pad looks like, and yet they still put up this recipe? Fine.

Hey, everybody, I don’t particularly care for you to pull out all my body hair one-by-one, but here’s the instructions on how to do that anyway!

(PS I’d rather have every hair on my body get plucked out individually than ever eat this hunk of feces)

Chloe: Jennifer Lawrence makes everyone feel gay. Unless you are a gay man… then you’re just confused…

Jocelyn: (Catherine, please change the name of this Tumblr to “Everyone’s A Little Gay for Jennifer Lawrence”)

Summary: Just take a series of calm, deep breaths. Look at JLaw. Smile. Think happy thoughts. Do not look at the poison mushroom bread. This is what an enemy District would send you during the Hunger Games. You must be strong.

Creamy Mashed Cauliflower

Jocelyn: OH FOR GOD’S SAKE

Catherine:This post has made me change my stance on gun rights.

Ann: I’m okay with this because it’s not claiming to be something it’s not. It’s also not claiming to be anything but bland mush, so at least cauliflower is on the right path again.

Jocelyn: Okay, but consider that this is meant to be eaten in lieu of mashed potatoes.

Ann: NOBODY EVER TAKE AWAY MY MASHED POTATOES OR I’LL STAB YOU STRAIGHT IN THE HEART WITH MY FIST THAT I’VE STAPLED KNIVES TO.

Catherine: Oh shit guys, Ann’s going to turn into Mashed Potato Wolverine again. Hide the cutlery.

Jocelyn: There you go. GO FUCK YOURSELF, CAULIFLOWER. YOU ARE *NOT* INVITED.

Jocelyn: (Catherine, please change the title of this Tumblr to “SUCK A KNIFE DICK, CAULIFLOWER”)

Summary: You can pry the mashed potatoes from our cold, dead (and presumably mushy, messy) hands.

Joceyln: You’re on a diet, right? Here, have a cup of foam!
Marshmallow Pudding

Jocelyn: Marshmallows rank VERY high on my list of favourite foods, just underneath sandwiches, so I take great umbrage at this ‘recipe’ which is basically just whipped despair.

Monica: Ooooh I love restaurants with fancy foamy soaps! Wait. WAIT.

Chloe: I’m sorry, you cannot NAME a recipe something if that recipe does not even included the ingredient the recipe is named after.

Catherine: This looks like both the cause of and solution to many of life’s gynecological problems.

Chloe: FUN IDEA FOR SPA NIGHT: Let’s all do vagina masks!

Catherine: I’m assuming all those egg whites will tighten things up?

Ann: I’m gonna go ahead and assume this person just forgot to put this meringue in the oven to cook it off. If they expect people to eat this raw, I’ll just go ahead and wish them the tragic salmonella butt-gushing death they deserve.

Summary: If the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man was your sloppy roommate, who jerked off to porn at his desk and came into a used Solo cup to save time before jumping right back onto his quest in World of Warcraft, this is what the contents of that cup would look like. And you would still stay his roommate because rent is high and he pays for the Netflix account.

Catherine: Pretty sure “paleo” recipes are going to be a gold mine. Just….look at this sad fucking pizza.

Jocelyn: “I loved the Paleo Pizza. My family did not.” - actual hilarious review from this recipe site.

Catherine: The rest of that sentence “…love me anymore after I made them eat the Paleo Pizza”

Ann: I’d rather watch Encino Man than eat this. I’d also rather eat the VHS tape of Encino Man than eat this.

Chloe: WHO SHIT ON THAT PERFECTLY GOOD BREAD?!?!

Alexandra: It’s crazy how much of this food looks like it’s ALREADY PASSED THROUGH A BUTT. For real. Is all diet food secretly kopi luwak’ed through a butt first?

Alexandra: Also, her watermarks are way too aggressive.

Chloe: MY POOP! NOBODY STEAL PICTURES OF MY POOP!

Summary: “Passed Through a Butt - The Paleo Pizza Story” sounds like a Movie of the Week - in our nightmares. Also can we make kopi luwak’ed the hot new verb this spring? “Oh man sorry I’m late, this day just totally kopi luwak’ed me up.”

Vegan Broccoli Smoothie

Catherine: Ok, do NOT get me wrong, I love me some vegan lesbians, but there are two perfectly good foods being positively RUINED with reckless abandon here. Are you in SUCH A RUSH you can’t stop for a NORMAL fruit smoothie with a side of steamed broccoli? This isn’t even just lazy, it’s fucking stupid. I hate everyone and I’m moving to the wilds of Siberia so I don’t have to hear this dumb shit any more.

Arleigh: #1- This looks and sounds disgusting. #2- The grammar in the blog post is atrocious.

Jocelyn: This is the kind of thing you make when you are eight years old on your summer vacation, and you are bored and punchy and do things just to pass the time, and ten minutes later your mom yells into the basement “WHO TOOK THE BROCCOLI AND THE BANANAS I WAS SAVING FOR BANANA BREAD” and you yell “I DID, I’M MAKING A SCIENCE EXPERIMENT” and she yells “THAT’S DISGUSTING, THAT’S A WASTE OF FOOD” and you yell “NO IT’S NOT DISGUSTING IT’S SCIENCE” and she yells “WELL WHATEVER YOU MAKE YOU HAVE TO EAT AND I MEAN IT YOUNG LADY” and then you look at the bananas and broccoli all mushed together and you instantly feel sick and sad and you choke down a bite and it’s the very worst thing and your mom feels sorry for you and lets you pour it out in the garden. EXCEPT DONE BY AN ADULT SO THERE IS NO EXCUSE. F MINUS.

Ann: Why would someone sneeze into a mason jar? More pressingly, why would someone put a straw in that? Worst prank ever.

Ava: I’VE HAD THIS. I DRINK THIS. But WITHOUT the Banana. And every time I think “Oh look at my go, green protein shake” Then what do I go and do?! I click on everything Chocolate related on Pintest, until I get to Chocolate Labradors, go “T-Awwww” then burp up a tiny tree unblended piece of broccoli and plan on more ways I can make my life worse. HOT YOGA ANYONE?! No thanks.

Alexandra: Vegetables are always trying to trick us into thinking they’re sweet juice. Frig off, man, go be in a salad.

Summary: I think it’s time to have some kind of intervention for Ava. SHE DRINKS IT WITHOUT THE FUCKING BANANA. Can we call one of those 1980s talk show deprogrammer guys, you know the ones who recovered people from cults? They must be looking for work, right?

IT’S OUR GIRL CHLOE’S BIDET! Uh, I mean, bday. So we decided to make her a cake!! HAPPY BEYONCE DAY CHLOE!!!  XOXO

Jocelyn: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, I made you this “lower fat” 3 minute cake, wait why are you crying, come back!

Monica: “Happy birthday, hope you enjoy the look, texture, and flavour of urinal cakes!” “I couldn’t be happier if you’d somehow made some kind of cauliflower icing substitute!”

Alicia: It looks like stale bread rehydrated by tears.

Alicia: OH MY, I DIDN’T REALIZE IT WAS COOKED IN THE MICROWAVE. THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.

Chloe: This DOES look like lower (back) fat.

Catherine: I just…why….how do people think this somehow replaces the need or desire for a treat? This was made in a MICROWAVE. It is mostly made up of Splenda, protein powder and self-loathing. What the fuck. Just what the fuck.

Jocelyn: This is the kind of shit I imagine people eating in post-apocalyptic fiction.

Ann: SOMEBODY KILLED PAC MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ava: This is for scrubbing your butt right before some deep, deep penetration, right? #IllBeMakingALotOfThese

Summary: Just kidding, we didn’t make Chloe this microwaved monstrosity for her bday, that’s just cruel. In all seriousness though if we did for some reason want to tell Chloe that she’s a giant bag of ass we would do it with this cake. We don’t, so we didn’t. We’re going to fashion a likeness of her out of mashed cauliflower and Butter Buds.

“Snickers Bar Alternative”

Jocelyn: This small ball of oats is being advertised as a Snickers Bar.

I must have missed the part where “dried blueberries” were an ingredient of your average Snickers Bar.

Chloe: ….. And then you cook them…. Right?

Catherine: Here’s an even healthier alternative to a Snickers bar: eating an apple and going for a fucking walk. NONE OF THE INGREDIENTS OF A SNICKERS BAR ARE PRESENT YOU DINKS. Not a one. No chocolate, no caramel, no peanuts, no nougat. What the everloving fuck brigade?

Jocelyn: You know what I really look for when I’m biting into a piece of snack food? A FEELING OF OVERWHELMING DISAPPOINTMENT AND BETRAYAL.

Jocelyn: Just call this “Ball of stuff that maybe will taste a little like raw oatmeal cookie dough IF YOU EVEN WANT THAT” and call it a day. And then eat some actual oatmeal cookie dough.

Chloe: Have you guys ever tried the spicy chocolate chip cookies I make? Because this is basically that except for the COOKING.

Jocelyn: Chloe, gimme dem cookies. This recipe, shut your dumb face.

Ann: You guys are obviously confused. These aren’t meant to simulate Snickers, this is what Snickers looks like when it’s chewed up (aka bolus) right before it goes into your stomach and turns into chyme! You see? This picture is actually a science lesson and not the world’s most inaccurate and gross substitute for everyone’s favourite energy bar!

Summary: “Bolus” is a great word. And substitutions mean, you replace one thing with another in a recipe, ie: use margarine when you’re out of butter. Do not take every fucking ingredient in a food, throw them away, and say it’s the same thing. That’s crazy-making. You’re basically gaslighting us at this point. Stop that. Just say they are delicious raw cookie balls. Don’t sell us a mule and call it a fucking stallion though. That’s when we start to get upset.

Jocelyn: Um? Spa Pops

[editor’s note: Jocelyn is officially a wizard at finding these.]

Alexandra: Yes, hello, I’ve made something for you to try, I collected all my snot for a week, put it in a popsicle tray and added a lemon wedge. It`s a spa pop. You`ll love it.

SPA POP WHAT EVEN.

Jocelyn: This reminds me of that episode of Full House where DJ is invited to a pool party but she’s worried about wearing a swimsuit, so all she does for a week is work out and eat ice pops (literally ice cubes with a stick in them) and then she faints at the gym and gets a lecture from Dave Coulier. Eat these if you want to get a lecture from Dave Coulier, is what I’m saying. Also, don’t eat these.

Catherine: “Spa pops” are a bit too close to the “desserts” one would find in Movies of the Week about gymnasts with eating disorders. If someone got me a gift certificate to this “spa” I’d return the favor with a thank-you card full of genital punches.

Ann: UGH. YOU GUYS. Obviously these aren’t a real thing. Obviously the person who took this picture made a typo when she was trying to type “spa plops.” This is the stuff that comes out of your pores after you’re in the steam room. Some weirdo apparently collects them and puts them on popsicle sticks? That’s totally fucked up.

But not as fucked up as trying to tell me this is a “food” anyone consumes.

Monica: WOULD

Ann: Ugh. Monica.

Monica: I bet eating one of these is like enjoying a deep-conditioning scalp treatment and massage

Ann: DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS BLOG IS CALLED?!?!?!?!? CHRIST

Monica: I have it bookmarked under “fun recipes for ladies’ night”

Catherine: I revoke my status as “lady” if that’s what ladies night involves.

Chloe:  Guys, let’s switch all Monica’s water with vodka and then these will totally be useful for “ladies night”.

Summary: Why don’t you borrow your dad’s whiskey stones, roll them in savory spices, then serve them on a platter and call them “spa hors d’oeuvres”, you fucking nincompoops. Why don’t you find a big icicle outside latched on the back of a diesel truck that happens to have a spruce sprig tucked in there and just MUNCH AWAY, you damnable turds? Why do you hate life? If you can’t have popsicles fine but you are EATING ICE! This is madness. This is four forms of eating disorder. Get a grip, people!